Free to Be Open: A Parent's Story

by Mimi Haebig

Twenty years ago, when our older son told us that he is gay, ONA churches did not exist. We were overwhelmed with emotions — shock, isolation, denial, guilt, fear, and even self-pity. We talked to the minister of the church we were attending. Although he did not believe being gay was sinful, he had little to offer us. We phoned a psychiatrist who had seen our son when he was in kindergarten and other children were scapegoating him. This man said, "Oh my God, I'll have to get back to you." He never did.

Fortunately, a local psychologist reassured me our son's orientation was not caused by anything I did wrong and was not a disorder. Our son could still lead a happy, productive life. We also found PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Persons); talking to other parents and receiving information about sexual orientation helped us. If we had belonged to an ONA church, we might have been more informed and found these resources more easily. We would not have felt we were the only family in Chapel Hill with a gay son. If our son had belonged to an ONA church, he might have felt less isolated and alone during his high school years.

In the following years, we would also have benefited from an ONA congregation. When we decided to change churches, we wanted a church were our son, and potentially his partner, would be accepted. We came out to Rick and Jill (pastors of United Church, Chapel Hill) before joining and felt welcomed. However, we still wondered about the attitude of the congregation. We became part of the ONA task force and were active in the process, but we still remained mostly closeted.

Over a period of two years, the task force tried to involve as many people as possible through a variety of programs. There was little spoken opposition to becoming ONA, but as the vote approached, I felt uneasy. Although few church members knew our son, I felt a negative vote would be a rejection of both him and of me. When the resolution passed overwhelmingly, I felt free to be open.

Over the years, our attitude about our son's orientation gradually changed. Our initial view was "It's nobody's business," then we progressed to "No more lying." Finally we acquired the attitude we call "PFLAG in your face"—we reached beyond our usual comfort level and spoke to groups at other churches and conferences. Belonging to an ONA church helped us in this transition. We feel we have a base of support and are not alone in our views.

What difference did ONA make at United Church? Several people in the church told me that they found the years of discussion useful. Not being faced with the unexpected education our son gave us, they had not thought much about sexual orientation. The process changed them; they could no longer say —"we don't know any gays or lesbians." But in my view, the biggest benefit of becoming ONA is the addition to our congregation of gay and lesbian members who have contributed their talents, serving as hardworking members of our boards and committees, singing in the choirs, and teaching in Sunday school. We would have missed so much if they were not with us as an integral part of our community. Other people have been drawn to the church as well; ONA is a sign about the nature of the congregation. This is reflected in a comment at the time of the vote: "If gays and lesbians are excluded who else might also be at risk? Is this a community where I can reveal myself?" We need to continue to ensure that the answer is "Yes."

Mimi Haebig and her husband, Jon, are the parents of three grown children. Although supposedly "retired," they are active at church, with PFLAG, National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, environmental and peace groups, and book discussions. They enjoy walks in the woods, gardening, house redecorating and maintenance, trying new recipes for produce from a CSA farm. They are also involved in long-distance care of a parent in failing health. In short, they keep busy! These comments were shared as United Church observed its 10th ONA Anniversary.