UCC Coalition :: Transgender: A Parent's Perspective

Rev. David Keller of First Congregational Church, UCC in Concord, NH wrote this letter for North Star, the church newsletter, as a way of sharing about their transgender daughter.

It is time to share some information about my family with you that has been a private part of our lives for a little over two years. Many of you share your family stories with me, and I receive them as a precious treasure, often to be held in the most sacred confidence. There is much that goes on in many of our families that does not need to be generally known. There are other matters that we might wish remained private, but become, public, and still other matters that rightly are made widely known. The information I share with you is of that kind.

Our older child, Luke, had a very difficult adolescence. He was exceptionally bright and inquisitive, but emotional and social problems led us to take him out of school midway through the eighth grade. He went on to complete his basic education through a combination of home schooling and college courses. But the anguish and disorder of his life persisted. He went to college a year after we came to Concord, but that was not a good fit for him. He dropped out and criss-crossed the country on his own, participating in activist and community organizing efforts. Finally, he settled into a community of young people in Pittsburgh, PA. He remained intentionally poor and lived, as we like to say “off the grid” – without money, without expenses, and without much of what most of us would think of as life’s necessities.

: Anna Grace Keller

Luke joined our other son Caleb, Lindy and me at Lindy’s parents home to celebrate Christmas of 2003. At that time, Luke disclosed to us the dramatic reality that was transforming his life. Luke is transgender. For years, Luke had understood himself to be a woman, and for about a year before that Christmas, had been presenting as a woman to everyone except family. Luke at this time is a memory. Our older child is a woman named Grace.

We have kept this to ourselves for these two years for a number of reasons. We were dismayed by it and hoped for some time that it would turn out not to be true. We struggled mightily with this for almost a year, which included a difficult visit to Pittsburgh, where everyone only knew Grace. Slowly, we began to realize two very important things. First, Grace turns out to be healthier, more emotionally stable, and strangely, more ‘normal’ than Luke ever was or ever could be. Second, we love our children. To continue loving our older child, we had to start loving Grace. That has turned out to be easier than we thought it might be.

As many of us learn, often painfully, love indeed “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” As we came to welcome Grace into our lives, we all agreed that we would not share this information publicly until Grace had introduced herself to our extended family. Over the course of this past half year, she has done that, and again, love has carried the day. She is welcome in both Lindy’s and my families. When Caleb and I went to Biloxi, we visited Grace in New Orleans, where she is a happy member of a great community, working in reconstruction, and starting nursing school. Soon, her legal identity will be Anna Grace Keller.

Lindy and I want to share this with you because some of you knew Luke and still ask about him. But Luke is no more. It has become too cumbersome to talk about Luke with some people and Grace with others. Furthermore, Grace wants to be part of our lives, and it is neither fair to her nor to our friends to pretend that Grace is Luke.

Transgender is a complex phenomenon, and transgendered people are varied. We have learned much about this phenomenon in the past two years, and we are willing to answer any question you might have, no matter how awkward it may seem. Not that we have all the answers – but we can speak about our personal experience with our own child.

I realize this information may be offensive, even repulsive, to some reading this. Believe me, we felt very strong negative feelings about it at first. Only when we realized that our child was getting better in what was for us a most peculiar way were we able to move from resistance to acceptance. We are not asking you to accept Grace. We are simply giving you information, and letting you know that we will be talking about her, not about Luke, in the present and in the future.

For many of us, we may not have asked for the families we are in, and yet, we find much goodness and sustaining love through these amazing relationships. I thank God that, after many years of anxiety and distress, the Kellers are reunited, mutually supportive, and able both to speak and to live the truth in love. Whatever the story of your family may be, I pray that same blessing for each of you.

Transgender: A Parent's Perspective

National Gathering 2010

Any Body, Everybody, Christ’s Body